An Open Letter to Addiction

Dear Addiction

When we first met, you immediately got under my skin! I didn’t know you and I certainly didn’t offer you a part in my life. But there you were! You seemed like fun, I wanted fun and to be part of the cool gang. You were just an experiment to me, I was just testing the waters. I dipped my toes in to see if I liked what you were offering. What I didn’t expect is that you would grab me, throw me in your basement, shackle me in chains and never let me leave.

At first, I thought it was easy, that I wouldn’t get addicted to you. “It’s just all in the mind,” I told myself “People are just weak, I wouldn't be like that.” I’ll have some fun and give up. I could give up anytime I wanted to.

Even when I was hooked, I didn’t realise, I didn’t know! I thought that I could give you up at the drop of a hat if I wanted to. Yet, like an idiot I convinced myself that I didn’t want to give you up, I thought that I enjoyed your company, no harm was being done.

Then I started to feel weak without you - in fact, I felt a better person when I was with you, the more I had you the more powerful I felt. More, more, more, I need you for this situation, for that situation, how would I get through this day without you or that day without you? I needed you when I was stressed, I needed you to relax, I needed you for everything.

What a fool I was, I didn’t even know that was your charm, your hook, your plan all along. You made me think it was my idea, I thought I was in control, I thought I was enjoying myself. You made me think I was making a choice of staying with you.

As time went on and I got deeper and deeper into you. I started to get emotional and physical dependencies, I didn’t know this then. I just knew that I couldn’t do without you. I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without you, my emotions were truly irrational but I could do nothing to stop it. Powerless against your charms, I felt weak, cheated and defeated. I was helpless, I couldn’t even take a step towards the door to leave as every time I did you dragged me back in and I didn’t have the strength to fight back, nor did I really want to.

One day, out of the blue, I don’t even remember why or how but I realised that I wanted, I needed to stand up to you. I had to walk away, I wanted you out of my life, it was time to get my life back. I think I finally believed what everyone was saying about you, that you weren’t good for me, and that I needed to free myself from your shackles.

That day I stormed out while I had the chance and the strength, I ran as fast as I could. As I left I hesitated at the doorway for a while, sometimes even starting to walk back in, as your taunts started to get to me. Making me feel bad, telling me I wouldn’t be able to cope without you. My friends were helping, pulling at me, tugging me out of the door with their support and love. This helped me to push the taunts aside, to understand that you were using me, you were killing me, I didn’t need you, what I needed was to get rid of you.

I feel ashamed its taken me so long, after all the advice I’ve ignored over the years but I know now who and what you are, and what you want from me. I’d pray for strength if I had a god but I don’t. so I have to find it within myself, I know it is there, I’ve used it before many times, just not consistently for so many minutes, hours, days.

Giving you up hasn’t been easy let me tell you, you have been a part of my life for many years. Which is just part of the lie of course, you weren’t a part of my life, you had just wormed your way in through trickery and lies. However getting rid of you feels like I am in mourning. I’ve been through the stages, I’ve cried for my loss, I’ve missed you, I’ve been angry with you, I’ve fought for my sanity. “Crazy” though it may seem that that is how I felt.

You still don’t give up. I can hear you knocking on my door every single day saying let me in, I’ll be your friend, we can just play. Tempting me, teasing me, pretending everything will be okay this time. Telling me all of the same old lies, which I know now aren't true. I know, it will never be okay, I cannot play with you anymore. Not even for a second, not even for “Just one last time.” Not if I want to be in charge of my own life, which I do.

I think you should know that its not me, its you and I won’t be taking you back anytime soon. I will persevere on my journey and continue to block out your charms and your temptations. Maybe I will peek in the doorway now and then, wondering “what if” as the pain deeply hurts my soul. I might have to fight a little harder that day but I will keep going. I will accept the support of my dear friends, some who have no idea really how difficult it really is and others who have been on this journey themselves who left you for good and who really do know. These who friends who tell me the struggle is real and that I will need to be vigilant and continue to be strong for the rest of my life.

For the rest of my life…

Addiction Get lost!

Sincerely

Michelle Harris